I feel so inadequate.
I feel unworthy of living.
It just came out of the blue. One minute I was singing and dancing and laughing to Mamma Mia, and the next thing I know, poof. The happiness is gone, just like that.
I don’t know why I’m like this. It’s just so sudden and random, with no preemptive warning.
I was looking forward to a happy day, but suddenly it just goes up in smoke.
I feel like crying and screaming and punching something. But do you know what the weirdest thing is? I feel all these negative emotions without a catalyst. There was nothing that had set me off. It just hits me like an ongoing freight train! I was playing with the cat, having a blast with my SO when the tears suddenly came. I stopped them just in time, but it was not a great feeling at all.
This was what I typed just now around 2.30 pm. It was this sudden wave of sadness and anger that washed all over me. I had to step away from the computer because I couldn’t bring myself to type anything at all. I felt weak, upset, and sad.
The silver lining, though, is that the anger did not manifest itself. I have to say that I’m immensely proud of myself for handling the sudden anger attack just now. I used the methods that I talked about in one of my previous posts, and it has worked so far! I didn’t project my anger onto my SO, so that’s good 😀 . Unfortunately, I did let the sadness slip through though, so I’m going to be dealing with that right here, right now!
Again, I Googled “how to deal with sudden sadness”, and it is actually called a depressive episode. Much like the anger attacks, a lot of the information on depressive episodes in various websites were not helpful at all. First, every single website that I’ve been on always told me to phone lifelines or any crisis hotlines, so I tried doing that, and you know what? They are a load of crap! For starters, today’s a Sunday in my country, so many of the crisis hotlines are offline. You can’t get through to any of them! Plus, it’s the festive season (Selamat Hari Raya to my fellow Malay friends btw 😀 ), so even the most prominent suicide prevention hotline in my country is not available. I personally think that this is not an okay situation. There might be suicidal people right now, trying to dial in; trying to get someone to throw them the very last lifesaver, but all they could get was the lifeless flatlined beep at the end of the receiver. I get it, it’s the holidays, it’s the weekend, but think about it, suicidal people don’t really care about the festivities or whatnot. They may be depressed to the point where they can’t enjoy the joyous occasion and they may be just visualising themselves dead. Even though I’m not suicidal, to hear the soul-less beep flatlining through the receiver was not a good feeling — it made me picture myself flatlining as well.
So imagine how awful it must be for someone who’s standing on a cliff, looking down onto the gigantic waves smashing unforgivingly against the pointy rocks. He pictures himself freefalling into the water; his head smashes onto the jagged crevices of the rocks; his skull is cracked open and smashed into pieces; his last consciousness being pain. Suddenly, he hesitates, because a little voice says: “Are you sure no one cares about you? How about we give life one last shot?”. He listens to that voice, draws up his mobile phone, calls the suicide prevention hotline, and secretly wishes that someone somewhere could give him some guidance, or at least give him a sliver of hope to live on and believe in humanity once more. However, what he got was “Sorry, the number you have dialed is not in service”. He tries another number, and what he got was a ringing phone with no one to answer it. He convinces himself to try another number one last time — one last struggle for his own sake…and what he got was a flatlined beep. He smiles bitterly, lays his phone on the grass, takes one last look at his surroundings, and throws himself off the cliff. His last thought? No one cares enough to know.
Apart from the crappy suicidal hotlines that I have, many websites suggest things like “listen to music, dance, watch comedies”. I’ve tried them all, and they don’t work. In fact, I got more depressed because I thought: “Since I’ve already taken the effort to look for happy music or funny comedies, I am obligated to cheer up so that I don’t disappoint myself”, which of course, gets me into a more depressed mood LOL.
Hence, I came up with some simpler ways to cheer myself up, and it did the trick just now! Here’s what I did:
Drink a hot beverage and eat my favourite biscuits
I made myself a hot mug of Milo and wolfed down a pack of Tiger biscuits. This might bite me back in the ass later on during gym sessions, but what the hell hahahaha! I just know that I felt happier instantly! I think it’s something to do with the sugar rush or something, but what I do know is that scarfing down my favourite stuff made me feel a lot better.
Turn the air-conditioning on
I get really flustered in hot weather, so I blasted the air-conditioning on while I’m eating. It has a surprisingly calming effect (blast your heater if you’re in a cold climate).
Read “fluffy” books
I used to care what other people think about my book choices (I’m a lit grad), so even though I do read the classics, there were times when I wanted to read something light, “fluffy”, and simple, and yet I did not stay true to this yearning by walking around with chick lits in my hands because I don’t want to come across as a shallow bitch. That led me to a disinterest and disengagement with reading for quite some time. Now, I’m learning to listen to my primitive voice — if I feel like reading Sophie Kinsella, I will read Sophie Kinsella; if I’m yearning to read Montgomery (currently feeling the Anne of Green Gables calling) I will read Montgomery. It’s as simple as that. I was reading Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella while chomping down the biscuits and Milo, and the antics that Sadie and Lara got up to cheered me up tremendously.
Write
As I’m writing here, I can feel myself getting happier and happier! It’s like a place for me to pour out my feelings and deal with whatever problems or stress that I’m experiencing. Writing to you guys is not a chore — it’s one of the things that I look forward to everyday!
I only have these four tips so far, but they did the trick of making me happy again! Here’s the to-do for today ❤
Love,
Bookish Blue
bookishwanderingandwondering.wordpress.com 