I’m angry, not sad, so I couldn’t possibly be depressed, right?
WRONG! Anger and depression are actually linked together. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today — how depression and anger is connected, and how we can deal with this one step at a time.
I had a great day yesterday! I did what was on my to-do list, and I was genuinely happy throughout the day 😀 I felt really good about myself. Unfortunately, the goodness ended in a small outburst of rage brought forth by the Karens again (the same Karens that pissed me off yesterday morning, to be exact).
I knew that I had to deal with the Karen situation calmly, but if I’m completely honest with myself, my first reaction was to lash out at those women. I remember thinking: “I cannot believe how self-entitled and self-centered they can be! Fuck you guys!”
My reaction was completely instinctual. However, I felt really guilty for making a fool out of myself, and I really really hate myself for not having reacted calmly in the first place. To make matters worse, I know that I should react calmly, and I’ve actually been in similar Karen situations last year in which I did not react in such a hostile manner. In fact, my reactions last year were quite calm in comparison to this year’s.
So what went wrong? Why did I do this? I am fully aware of how I should react and how I should deal with these situations, but why did I have to hiss and scratch like a pissed-off pregnant cat whenever I’m around these Karens this year? I went through these types of shite before with a milder reaction, so what changed? I get so easily ticked off by the most minute of things, which seems to not be my case when I was studying in university.
In 2020, I thought that my erratic episodes of rage are just me being a bitter arsehole. My subconscious kept telling me: “Chill the fuck down, it’s your responsibility to make others happy. Don’t influence anyone’s emotions. Keep it to yourself. Don’t bother anyone. If you’re angry or sad, you’re going to be alone. No one will want you. In fact, you should be alone, so that no one gets hurt! Bottle up those feelings and apologise to the people you scared Goddamnit. You. Fucking. Idiot.”
However, after a simple Google search, I now know that anger is in fact linked to depression. According to Dr Maurizio Fava – a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor at Harvard Medical School, what I’m experiencing are anger attacks, in which Fava said that “1 in 3 patients would report to me that they would lose their temper, they would get angry, they would throw things or yell and scream or slam the door”. He also reported that these patients would feel utterly remorseful after their anger attacks.
Anger attacks are normal in humans, but they can be a recurring symptom for those with depression.
And, it ain’t healthy. I can vouch for the remorse that just sweeps over you after your anger attack. You’ll feel like complete crap, and you’d feel immensely guilty for the collateral damage that you may have caused on your loved ones.
SO HOW CAN WE MANAGE OUR ANGER?
If you can allow yourself to be happy, why don’t you allow yourself to be angry? Many websites suggest reasoning logically with myself, visualising something calm, watching some funny videos, listening to music etc. However, to me, these seem like utter baloney. Don’t get me wrong, if you feel like these three tips can help you, go right ahead! But I do know that when I’m pissed off, I don’t listen to logic, even though I should. I’m too consumed in the rage of that moment to visualise something calm or watch funny videos or listen to music, even though I should. When I’m pissed, I need an outlet to let all the anger out. If someone tells me to just calm down or chill the fuck down when I’m angry, I’ll personally gauge that someone’s eyes out, crush it into fine white powder, and coat them on the base of a tree branch for the birds to snort and get high. If I get really real and personal here, I’m going to admit that all of these supposed ways to calm me down on the internet do not work at all. They seem so distant and vacant, and they can’t help me solve my anger attacks.
SO…YEAH…HOW CAN WE MANAGE OUR ANGER AGAIN?
The first stage of anger will almost always be my brain swearing “Fucking bullshit fucking bullshit” over and over again. This is my defense mechanism speaking, and if you react initially like this, it is completely normal because your brain is trying to protect you from any mental harm. If you happen to have depression, your defense mechanism will speak for a longer period of time.
So when this happens, I find that walking around is the best method to deal with this. NOT FIDGETING — fidgeting creates more irritation than diminishing it. Just walk. When I’m walking around, I am allowing myself to stew a few minutes in my anger. I’d cuss, swear, scream, or do anything to let it out when I’m walking. By doing this, I’m allowing myself to acknowledge anger as an emotion. I’m not going to bottle it up anymore as I already know that putting a cork in it is just a mere escape — it doesn’t solve the root of my anger at all. So walk, honey, just walk. Walk in your house, walk in your office, walk outside… Just… just walk. If someone intercepts me, I’m going to learn to say this: “I’m too angry to have a rational and helpful conversation right now, so I’m just going to take some time to calm down, and we’ll talk later.”
After walking, take a deep breath. In fact, take a couple of them — oxygen is free anyway.
This is where I go into the second phase — logical reasoning. I start with reciting a few anger management quotes to myself. Here are some that I found helpful:
- Getting angry is just punishing yourself for the mistakes of others.
- Manage your anger, because people can’t manage their stupidity.
- Sometimes you just have to calm down and let the system work itself out.
- Always write angry letters to your enemies. Don’t mail them though.
- I shall allow no one to belittle my soul by making me hate him/her.
- Anger, fear, depression, the dark side are they.
After these, I’ll reason with myself, depending on the situation. If it’s a bunch of Karens pissing me off, I’ll calm down and listen to what my rational self has to say. Take orders from my rational self, and execute them sequentially.
When I’ve done so, I will apologise to anyone who was accidentally in the firing line. Last night, it was my bf, so I apologised to him.
The last step is to write about it, or in my case, blog about it. I’m starting to rediscover the joy of writing again, and I normally just let my thoughts flow onto the page without any heavy editing or proofreading. It’s been very therapeutic so far.
And that’s it! My personal anger management steps. Even though I know that I have yet to perfect the sequence, I think that this is going to be a simple yet feasible plan for me.
Oh, and speaking of plans, here’s mine for today:
Stay healthy and happy!
Bookish Blue
bookishwanderingandwondering.wordpress.com 