I got unnecessarily pissed off at a couple of parents just now. It made me realise that I need help. Pronto.
A quick recap of the straw that broke the camel’s back: I’m a high school teacher, which naturally comes with a side of annoying Karen-parents. Thanks to the pandemic, some of our students are carted off to the hospital for observation because they had contact with a COVID-19 patient recently. That means they have to miss a day of classes. The Karens started bombarding me with questions on how to apply for leave, and even though I’ve given them simple and clear instructions on how to deal with that, they can still manage to fuck everything up. Karens being Karens, they become incessantly annoying and confrontational. And I snapped. Just like that. It only took a few Karens to agitate me. That’s when I realised the condition that I’m in.
This is not the blues. This right here is depression.
I’ve read about depression before. I’ve seen how my friends struggle with depression. In fact, I’ve been the one who throws them the neon orange lifesaver whenever I see them drowning in the churning depressing waves and pull them right into the boat, gun the engine, and never look back.
Never have I ever imagined that I would be the one who needs the lifesaver this time.
I started feeling down since September 2020. I began experiencing waves of paranoia, sleepless nights, fluctuating appetites, and demotivating thoughts. I didn’t really think about it, and had it chalked down as the seasonal blues, which is pretty ironic considering that I could detect and diagnose these symptoms for my friends.
As the days rolled by, my symptoms only got worse. There were times when I just stare listlessly into nothingness; times when I don’t feel like getting up and moving around; times when I just stick myself into the bathroom and bawl my eyes out without any warning; times when I freak out without any reason; times when I feel agitated and annoyed over the tiniest things.
Whenever I have these mini episodes, I don’t feel like myself. It’s like something has taken over me, and even though I’m not a confrontational person, something inside me lashes out at people without any warning whatsoever, and it scares me. I wanted to stop so badly, but the real me is floating in another dimension, powerful enough to watch, but too powerless to call it quits.
It’s 2021, almost half a year has gone by since September 2020, and my symptoms still persist. That’s when I started realising that I have depression. Now, I could just off myself by jumping from the highest tower that my humble hometown has to offer, but I feel like there’s just too much things that I have yet to do, too much events that I’ve yet to experience, too many people that I’ve yet to meet. I have an amazing boyfriend, quality friends, loving family members, and adorable pets. I’m just not ready to say goodbye!
I’ve just Googled “How to cure depression by yourself”, and after careful research and soul-searching, I’ve devised a plan to get myself back. I’m going to make a self-love to-do list everyday, and post it on this blog. Here’s the list for today:
So after a long hiatus, I’m picking up writing in this blog again. I loved writing, reading, and playing music, and I refuse to surrender what was once my passion to those soul-sucking demons that are living in me. And to be honest, it has been quite effective so far! Writing here — writing to you guys — is starting to make me feel happy again! 🙂 I’ve also finished cleaning the living room, and it looks neat! I’m honestly starting to look forward to completing the stuff on my to-do list today!
Even though you, my dear reader, might feel like this is just an entry with a bunch of cliché ramblings, but trust me, this is really helpful for me right now, and I just want to thank you very much for being so patient and reading up to this point! If you’re also experiencing depression right now, don’t give up on yourself yet! Leave a comment, and we can work something out! If you have some tips and tricks on how to deal with depression, feel free to comment too 🙂
Hope you guys are alright! Am signing off to take a nice shower. Ciao for now! Love you!
Bookish Blue.
bookishwanderingandwondering.wordpress.com 